What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 02:44
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Has anyone liked being made a cocksucker?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why would my husband cheat on me with an ugly fat woman?
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What do dreams about dead people mean?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do older people have a hard time using technology?
Put me off passion for life!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do men think I’m easy just by looking at me?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She loved him until the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ive learnt so much.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Would this be the day?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I think the readers, may guess!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Who then, do I blame.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was very sick at this time too.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But ive been too sick for many years..
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
When she asked me how she looked .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was seconnd youngest,
I don,t even have a pension.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.